Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Best Show of the 90s is "Saved by the Bell."

SBTB 1.jpg
More angles! More colors! More 90s!
Kelly: Ok, are we ready for the best show to ever grace American screens?
Katie: Yes! I do have vivid memories of racing home from school to turn on the tv to catch the beginning of Saved by the Bell. It really was a big part of my childhood, on our 1989 television. With KNOBS. KNOBS, KELLY. KNOBS.
Kelly: I know, I was there.
Katie: Semi-related fun fact: do you know the reason why we had a VCR as early as we had it?
Kelly: I guess not?
Katie: To keep you entertained (i.e. shutted up) while mom and dad spent hours at the hospital with me when I was born.
Kelly: Awwww.
Katie: And it worked so well, that's how they raised us. Television.
Kelly: Wait, did they leave me at home alone?
Katie: I think Grandma came over and they was like, “Don't worry, just sit her in front of this picture box.”

Katie: This show gave me a false sense of confidence with how I should talk to my principal. BUT, to this VERY day, I remember how to spell principal because Belding says, "P-A-L because I’m your pal.”
Kelly: That’s like how I know to spell congratulations because of a Full House episode. (They were gonna change Congrats Jesse to Rats Jesse on a cake.) I literally cannot spell congrats without thinking of Full House.

Katie: We started with caffeine pill episode. I mean, we knew we were going to be very excited, and then very scared.
Kelly: Hot Sundae! I did not realize how early on in the show's history that ep was.
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Every 90s aerobics class
Katie: I didn't even remember they were called Hot Sundae.
Kelly: You were too young, too naïve. I knew all the words to the hit single.
Katie: You did, it was impressive.
Kelly: Put your mind to it, go for it/You’re gonna break a sweat!/Rock n roll/You ain't seen nothin yet!
Katie: All of a sudden the girls find out they can sing and Zach will be producer and it will work out perfectly. Screech dresses in drag so he can record the girls singing in the locker room.
Kelly: He did an Irish accent. Cuz that would be less noticeable.

Katie: I wrote in my notes "get screen shot of Jessie’s pants.” That could be from any moment in the history of Saved by the Bell.
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Pants, pants, pants, pants, pants.
Kelly: One time they were assless chaps, I know that. The 90s were about nothing if not assless chaps.
Katie: Also known as denim diapers. I also wrote "dressed like a Shakespearean lesbian."
Kelly: if I had a nickel for every day I dressed like a Shakespearean lesbian in the 90s, I’d have like a million Canadian dollars.
Katie: The whole caffeine episode was BS. She was studying for finals, like I mean, it wasn't like takings the SATs or sitting for the bar. It wasn't the end of her school career. And who makes a girl band during finals, anyway?
Kelly: It was Hot Sundae, it was the 90s, it was a different time.

Katie: Next episode. Like we were abruptly woke in Dinosaurs, turns out this show was also very sexist. Guys break into the girls locker room, then Zach sells pictures of the girls in bathing suits without their consent, LET ALONE THEIR AWARENESS OF IT. AC Slater is, as Jessie definitely described, a pig.
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There are LAWS, Zach.

Kelly: I had many many problems with that plotline. But I have to say, Jessie’s feminism, which was played for laughs at the time, was quite good.
Katie: Yes, but I always sort of thought of her as a whiny nuisance. Whereas Kelly and Lisa, who liked the treatment, I thought of as fun. Now I want to shake Jessie’s hand and vote her into office.
Kelly: Exactly. Spanno 2016. I'd vote so fast and hard for a Spanno/Darling ticket.
Katie: OH - GOOD QUESTION. Is it Spanno/Darling or Darling/Spanno? I think it's Darling/Spanno, because America will vote for the girl next door, but Spanno will do all the actual work from her VP office. She doesn't like to be the center of attention, she didn't enjoy being sold on a calendar without her consent!
Kelly: Spanno/Darling because Spanno's the one who wants it and Darling is picked as her running mate to make her likeable.
Katie: I’d like to see a race between Darling and Spanno.
Kelly: No race, everyone would be like, "You know what, that’s cool. I’m good with that."

Katie: With the Shakespearean Lesbian Calendar gaining some model agency traction, as far as regular high school for-profit projects go, relationships got tense at Bayside High.
Kelly: Kelly was gonna go to France to model. And it was The Babysitters Club all over again. No one was allowed to model.
Kelly: Word.
Katie: Wow, guys are the worst. Like, worse than meth.
Kelly: Way worse.
Katie: They just exploited women to make money, and then when it inconveniences them, they're like “WHOA WHORES, STEP BACK. I said you could take photographs in the kitchen barefoot, I didn’t say you could make decisions for yourself about anything.”
Kelly: You asked if I liked that Kelly Kapowski had my name. I said no because people always said how much prettier she was than me.
Katie: Which is SOOOOO GD SAD. You had terrible school mates. Good job, middle school class of '94.
Kelly: If people take anything away from this blog, it will be that grade school was not my best time.
Katie: If people take anything away, it's that bullying leaves scars. Scars even Clarissa can't heal. Or 1-800 numbers. Or hair dolls. But, hair dolls might help.

Katie: The drugs episode was next.  With “teen heartthrob” Johnny Dakota. I still found him attractive with his little shaggy hair and short stature.
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You only get that smile if you do drugs
Kelly: But he did drugs, Katie.
Katie: This isn't Nancy Reagan years. Drugs are cool and hip, Kelly. Nancy Reagan, Fancy Reagan. (Drugs are not cool.)
Kelly: I would like a cat named Fancy Reagan if you're taking requests.
Katie: I’ll allow it.

Kelly: The bully in this episode was 43 years old.
Katie: Everyone was 43 years old.
Kelly: Except for Mr. Belding.
Katie: He was 44. That’s why it worked.
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Ages from L to R: 43, 43, 43, 42

Kelly: I love how the plot was "Well this hot actor dropped out of our commercial. Let’s use our second choice! The ... CEO of NBC."
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Hello, fellow kids.
Katie: And you KNOW NBC was like “omg, we're making a difference.” That show didn't make me not want to do drugs. I mean, it didn't make me want to do them. But it didn't make me not want to. To be clear, I did not do drugs. But SBtB should take no credit.
Kelly: It did teach me that caffeine pills existed though, and that was exciting. "I’m so excited TO DO DRUGS!"
Katie: Yeah, I was basically like "how can I get some of those?”
Kelly: "Sounds good, where do I sign up for drugs, please?"
Katie: Is there a 1-800-hotline for giving me a drug dealer?
Kelly: "Kids are doing more drugs. I don’t understand, what went wrong? We had the CEO of NBC!!"
Katie: “We put a white man in a suit on TV. Everyone listens to white men in suits.”
Kelly: Even when they have literally never seen them before or even knows what CEO stands for.  Cocaine, Ecstasy, (and i don’t know an O drug).
Katie: Opium? Opiates? Oral heroin?
Kelly: Omarijuana.

Katie: Just for the record, my takeaway from the drug show was "that party looked pretty cool." It was not "Thanks white man, I won't do drugs." Our next blog should be “Best Drug of the 90s.” And we do all the drugs. And hope we don't die.
Kelly: And I never get another job ever again.
Katie: We'll be drug lords, we'll make plenty of money and not need office jobs. “How’d these two white girls get to be lords of the international drug cartel? They blogged their way to the top.”
Kelly: Are you a drug lord if you just do a lot of drugs? Do you know how drug lording works? I don’t think that’s how drug lording works.
Katie: I am not a drug lord, but I assume this blog will open many doors to us.
Kelly: I’m just saying, your plan sounds like it has some holes.

Katie: So, then we watched a resort episode.
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Our faces watching this episode
Kelly: A dark time in SbtB history. But not as dark as College Years.
Katie: Oh Jesus. College isn't even remotely the same. Leah Remini was a badass actress. But more badass now that she left Scientology.
Kelly: Remini/Spanno/Darling 2016.

What was your take-away?
Kelly: Drugs are cool. Do drugs.
Katie: Do drugs. Tease your hair. Hang out by your locker if you want to get asked out. The principal is your friend. I’ll never be as pretty as Kelly Kapowski.
Kelly: And if I had abs like Kelly Kapowski, I would never wear full shirts, just half shirts like her.
Which character would you be?
Katie: 1990 Katie would say Kelly. 2016 Katie says Jessie.
Kelly: I think its obvy- Jessie. SPANNO/DARLING 2016! SAVE AMERICA BY THE BELL AGAIN!
Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Katie: I meeeeean, c'mon. Zach.
Kelly: Doy.

Bimbi count: 763
Kelly: Ugh.
Katie: Oh Jesus. Lisa, Kelly, all the women in the calendar.
Kelly: And every girl ever in the background. And all girl characters with one line.
Katie: So, we're at like 763?
Kelly: I was gonna make a 9,210 joke but I’ll save it.
Katie: 90210?
Kelly: Yes. 90,210.
Katie: Because a 9,210 joke goes over my head.
Kelly: See why I’m saving it?
Katie: Yes, save it.
Editor's Note:
Katie: We also need a wetwad count. We're being sexist ourselves.
Kelly: Yeah, we should have had one.

Wetwad count: 6
Katie: NBC CEO, Belding, Slater, Zach, Screech, Leah Remini's father
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Who has two hands and is a wetwad?
Would you watch SBTB for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: Like...I guess? If it were on in my hotel room while I was getting ready in the morning and I didn't know the local channels. It would be comforting, like an old friend.
Katie: Yes, but maybe watching with friends to reminisce and then it turns into a night of laughing and talking about high school and not so much about SBTB at all.

The Party Rating: 4/5

Kelly: I’m gonna say 4.
Katie: I agree, even though Tiffini Hale is the Kelly Kapowski of The Party.

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