Monday, December 21, 2015

The Best Show of the 90s is "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

The Tale of Making Show Titles with Microsoft WordArt

Katie: During the credits I got excited for how bad the campfire banter was going to be, and I was not disappointed.
Kelly: I was surprised by how multicultural the group was.
Katie: Everyone is kind of a nasty bitch on this show to each other. “Looks like we're in for another fun night,” they said sarcastically.
Kelly: Bitches be bitches.
Katie: What kind of terrible social group is this?
Kelly: It’s the Midnight Society.
Katie: Bitchnight Society.

Kelly: We knew which episodes we had to include -
Katie: I’M COLD! The one where the little boy ghost says I’M COLD! And then we got a HUGE surprise, Special Guest: Melissa Joan Hart!
Kelly: We picked a really good episode. She’s the best.
Katie: She’s your idol!

Kelly: The story begins with a rich spoiled brat visiting some old ladies, their relationship is unclear - aunts? grandmothers? And Clarissa is his babysitter who has to come along on the trip. The old ladies live in an old house in the middle of the woods.
Katie: I didn’t understand from the start why Clarissa had to go since there were two full-grown adults at the house.
Kelly: Clearly they’re not to be trusted, these old ladies in the woods.
Katie: This kid was a snot.
Kelly: Ugh, this kid. He doesn’t like to get dirty, he’s not allowed to play with sharp things, he is a snitch. He was a true wetwad.
Katie: Snitches get stitches.
Kelly: So they are outside doing chores for the old ladies, like cutting wood.
Katie: And then the brat is alone and sees footprints in the mud and leaves coming towards him. If you saw footprints coming toward you you'd shit yourself, right?
Kelly: Right. My pants would look like the front of his overalls.

The Tale of the Ghost in Satin Pajamas and Ol’ Shitveralls.

Katie: The ghost appears and shows the brat an old log.
Kelly: Then Clarissa comes out, the brat tells her there’s a ghost, and her reaction was like “oh, there's a ghost, no problem, but why are you digging in the log?"
Katie: Clarissa isn’t phased by anything.
Kelly: The brat found a key in the log, turned out to be the key to make the old ladies’ stove work.
Katie: Then when they turn the key, like 4 billion gold coins come flying out of the pipe and now the old ladies are rich. Thanks, dead kid.
Kelly: Then we close with awkward campfire banter!
Katie: You mistyped and said, “Is that guy’s shirt on akward?” meaning backwards. But not really a typo at all, because it was on awkwards.

The Tale of the Awkwards-On Shirt

Kelly: In the next episode, we got some solid 90s fashion in the campfire banter. A side pony and some butt hair.

The Tale of Two Bad Haircuts

Katie: And the leader nerd - he had some butt hair too.
Kelly: The 90s was about nothing if not about butt hair.

The Tale of Contemplating Butt-Hair

Katie: The first butt hair guy told the story. He used words like “psyched.” He also described the adults as “some kind of scientists” which I didn’t understand, because if he’s the one making the story up, can’t he fill in the blanks?
Kelly: At one point you just screamed “BANGS!”

The Tale of Oh My God, Stop and Just Look at Her Bangs for a Sec

Katie: And we got our first bimbi sighting!
Kelly: Maaaaaj bimbi. And totes mean girl.
Katie: She always looked like she just smelled a fart.
Kelly: She used non-words like “zeeb.”
Katie: To which the sweet, nice lead character replied, "How does one prove that they are not a zeeb?” It also got really uncomfortable at one point, with the mean girl inspecting the sweet girl and getting very close to her face.
Kelly: It was like the lead-in to a lesbian porno.
Katie: How would you know?
Kelly: I’m guessing. I can make an educated guess.
Katie: I learn new things about you everyday.

Kelly: The mean girl’s bangs were a sight to behold. How did she keep them up all night?
Katie: Jizz.
Kelly: (not a porn reference)
Katie: (a porn reference)

The Tale of There’s Something About Mean Girl

Kelly: There was also an old lady who lived with the mean girl’s family. The mean girl would scream at her if she saw her walking around. “GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM!”
Katie: Like she was the man in the iron mask.

The Tale of the Atypical Porn Character

Kelly: It was unclear the relationship of this old woman and the mean girl.
Katie: I was think it was her nanny, not her granny - so, unrelated. Now it’s safe to be a porn.
Kelly: I think I’d kill myself if I were Nanny.
Katie: The porn would take a drastic turn.
Kelly: This is the worst porn.

Katie: Later, the mean girl’s squad shows up. The scrunchie squad.
Kelly: I loved the girl in the red pants who didn’t know what to do with her hands.

The Tale of Totally Looking Casual

Katie: The mean girl is giving the backstory on the haunted house. She explains it was  “a long long time ago” but it was during a war…. so you probably know exactly what time frame.
Kelly: There’s only like 3 options if you live in America.
Katie: History is for zeebs.
Kelly: The zeeb sleeps over at the house, and the ghost comes out… and it… was… slightly terrifying.

The Tale of the Ghost Who Doesn’t Hurt Zeebs

Kelly: The next morning we got to meet the out of control shoulder pads.
Katie: This lady was one step away from being Beetlejuice’s mother.

The Tale of How I Met Beetlejuice’s Mom

Katie: The zeeb goes back to the house to help the ghost.
Kelly: The ghost had decorated the room overnight.
Katie: How did this ghost have so much chalk?

The Tale of Buying Chalk in Bulk from Sam’s Club

Kelly: Somehow the mean girl gets trapped in the mirror and the ghost girl gets to come out.
Katie: PLOT TWIST! The ghost girl was Nanny’s daughter.
Kelly: Nanny has no issue with being pulled into a haunted house and then seeing her dead daughter, then walking into a mirror to be with her dead daughter.
Katie: Most natural thing for nannies to do. “Just gonna walk into this mirror, byeeeeeeeee.”
Kelly: But then mean girl is still stuck in the mirror! I thought maybe mirrors would be a “one in - one out” deal. I was wrong. Huh!

Katie: So far, we’ve been 2 for 2 with episodes with overalls.
Kelly: The 90s were about nothing if they weren't about overalls.

The Tale of the Sassy Pants Club

Katie: Back at the bonfire banter, the butt hair guy has a crush on side pony and gives her a gift.
Kelly: It was a locket from the mirror ghost, which is the creepiest gift.
Katie: “I got you a dead child’s necklace.”
Kelly: “Yeah, you really shouldn’t have, Dave.”

The Tale of Graverobbing is the new Netflix and Chill

Katie: Next, you picked "The Tale of the Dollmaker” about a girl going missing and her friend searches for her in a creepy attic in a creepy dollhouse. The lead character reminded me of Beezus from “Ramona.”
Kelly: It’s just because they are all Canadian.

The Tale of Canada

Katie: It’s another episode where a kid is just shipped off to another family.
Kelly: Because it’s inherently scary. You've already discovered all the creepy neighbors in your own hood.
Katie: Then we saw this outfit. A robe? A gi? A blanket?

The Tale of Nothing Fit in the 90s

Katie: She learns her friend’s family who lived next door moved away. Their daughter went missing, and the parents couldn’t stand to stay at the house, so they moved, but they are keeping the house. The family is carrying 2 mortgages.
Kelly: That’s a lot in property taxes on the hope that your dead kid comes back. And you don’t even want to be there when she does?
Katie: An empty house is welcoming. An empty huge house. These house are huge.
Kelly: Canada.
Katie: Thanks, Obama.

Katie: Beezus now finds herself in the dollhouse that was in the neighbor’s attic.
Kelly: She finds her long lost dead friend Susan who is slowly turning into a porcelain doll.
Katie: A porcelain doll from hell.

The Tale of Playing It Cool When You Should Totally Be Freaking Out

Katie: Susan was falling apart. Her hand fell off.
Kelly: Beezus picked it up like it was nothing. “Oh, here’s your hand that fell, I’ll just put this here.”
Katie: That’s what pockets are for.
Kelly: For your dead hands.

The Tale of the Pocket Hand

Kelly: Lastly, we watched an episode solely based on the reason that Will Friedle guest-starred.
Katie: From 1995! Near the beginning of his “Boy Meets World” fame.

The Tale of Will Friedle's Rad Shirt

Kelly: On his walk home from school, he hears creepy noises in the woods then finds a bloody knife. Hey kids, word of advice - don’t touch the murder weapon you find the in woods.
Katie: On his second trip through the woods, he decides to chase after and taunt a man he sees running with a musket. Good idea.
Kelly: We meet a Revolutionary War ghost. Wouldn't he have a British accent if this were the Revolutionary War? Or, at least not a Canadian accent?

The Tale of the Revolutionary Deep V

Katie: I didn't know Paul Rudd and the evil knight from “A Knight's Tale” had a baby. With sperm donation from the South Park guys.
Kelly: I didn't either, but I ain't mad at it.
Katie: Will’s crush finds him in the woods. Look how many weird patterns she has.

The Tale of Making Shitveralls Look Good

Kelly: Will gets caught by a bunch of Redcoats. Really, really historical Redcoats.
"You guys will play soldiers. Hold your bayonets like they look natural."
"Like this? Above our heads like this?"
“I'm no historian but that looks accurate."

The Tale of the Historically Accurate Redcoats

Katie: Dreamy ghost saves Will from the Redcoats, and parts ways to go find his one true love.
Kelly: Dreamy ghost says “remember my plight” which is a good phrase. I'm gonna use it when you won’t do stuff for me.

The Tale of the Modern 90s Deep V

The Second Tale of the Modern 90s Deep V

Katie: Back at school, everyone has bags and books, but why does the black guy have to carry around the boom box?
Kelly: #DasRacist. He explains it’s for playing “tewnues” when he means “tunes.” Everyone has an accent but the one guy who was supposed to.
Katie: It’s part of Will’s plan to play boom box music to confuse the ghosts. Sweet boom box tewnues.
Kelly: They were not the sweetest tewnues I’ve ever heard.
"What's our budget for music?"
"Zero Canadian dollars."
"Cool, let me sit on this keyboard and fart out some music."
"Sweet tewnues dude, no one will ever know we didn't have a music budget."
Katie: Are they all Canadian? Is that their problem?
Kelly: Being Canadian is a problem.

Katie: Anyway, Will finds the dreamy ghost’s locket on the ground and gives it to the girl. “Here's a dirty piece of trash I found on the ground. It demonstrates my feelings towards you.” It's full of pictures of dead strangers.
Kelly: Dead people that I helped continue to be dead. Which is to say,Will did nothing.
Katie: Graverobbing works man. This episode was dumb and not scary and I'm now dumber about the Revolutionary War.

The Wrap-Up

What was your take-away?
Kelly:  Going to new places is scary. And adults can’t be trusted to provide proper supervision in Canada.
Katie: The 90s really was not a great time to be alive, if you were a ghost. Or if you wanted to look good in pictures 20 years later.
Kelly: You wouldn’t be alive if you were a ghost, in the 90s or not. Just saying.
Katie: The 90s really was not a great time to be a ghost.
Kelly: Or to find proper-fitting clothes.

Which character would you be?
Katie: You can’t always be her!
Kelly: I can, and I am. She took no shit from no one, be it small whiny boys or crazy old ladies.
Katie: I think I’d be the pretty blonde from the Midnight Society. She was given a lot of gifts. Albeit creepy gifts from dead people, but gifts nonetheless.
Kelly: You did always get a lot of gifts. Creepy ones at that.
Katie: Oh you’re right. I got a school picture with a creepy note on the back, a rock, a limerick, and a terrifying stuffed bear.
Kelly: You needed a 1-800 help line.

Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Kelly: I’m going with the non-British patriot.
Katie: I kind of want to say... Melissa Joan Hart.
Kelly: We welcome all choices here.
Katie: That lesbian porn got me in the mood.

Bimbi count: 8+
Katie: Bangs, her posse, all the parents on this show
Kelly: That’s 8 in Canadian bimbis, which is like 12 American bimbis.

Would you watch AYAOTD for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: I think I would. For a Halloween sleepover.
Katie: I would attend that sleepover, but I’d need at least two drinks. And a deep V.

The Party rating: 4/5

Katie: Yeah, a solid 4. But we didn’t have enough Melissa Joan Hart.
Kelly: I can always go for some more MJH.