Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Best Show of the 90s is "Saved by the Bell."

SBTB 1.jpg
More angles! More colors! More 90s!
Kelly: Ok, are we ready for the best show to ever grace American screens?
Katie: Yes! I do have vivid memories of racing home from school to turn on the tv to catch the beginning of Saved by the Bell. It really was a big part of my childhood, on our 1989 television. With KNOBS. KNOBS, KELLY. KNOBS.
Kelly: I know, I was there.
Katie: Semi-related fun fact: do you know the reason why we had a VCR as early as we had it?
Kelly: I guess not?
Katie: To keep you entertained (i.e. shutted up) while mom and dad spent hours at the hospital with me when I was born.
Kelly: Awwww.
Katie: And it worked so well, that's how they raised us. Television.
Kelly: Wait, did they leave me at home alone?
Katie: I think Grandma came over and they was like, “Don't worry, just sit her in front of this picture box.”

Katie: This show gave me a false sense of confidence with how I should talk to my principal. BUT, to this VERY day, I remember how to spell principal because Belding says, "P-A-L because I’m your pal.”
Kelly: That’s like how I know to spell congratulations because of a Full House episode. (They were gonna change Congrats Jesse to Rats Jesse on a cake.) I literally cannot spell congrats without thinking of Full House.

Katie: We started with caffeine pill episode. I mean, we knew we were going to be very excited, and then very scared.
Kelly: Hot Sundae! I did not realize how early on in the show's history that ep was.
SBTB 3.jpg
Every 90s aerobics class
Katie: I didn't even remember they were called Hot Sundae.
Kelly: You were too young, too naïve. I knew all the words to the hit single.
Katie: You did, it was impressive.
Kelly: Put your mind to it, go for it/You’re gonna break a sweat!/Rock n roll/You ain't seen nothin yet!
Katie: All of a sudden the girls find out they can sing and Zach will be producer and it will work out perfectly. Screech dresses in drag so he can record the girls singing in the locker room.
Kelly: He did an Irish accent. Cuz that would be less noticeable.


Katie: I wrote in my notes "get screen shot of Jessie’s pants.” That could be from any moment in the history of Saved by the Bell.
SBTB 2.jpg
Pants, pants, pants, pants, pants.
Kelly: One time they were assless chaps, I know that. The 90s were about nothing if not assless chaps.
Katie: Also known as denim diapers. I also wrote "dressed like a Shakespearean lesbian."
Kelly: if I had a nickel for every day I dressed like a Shakespearean lesbian in the 90s, I’d have like a million Canadian dollars.
Katie: The whole caffeine episode was BS. She was studying for finals, like I mean, it wasn't like takings the SATs or sitting for the bar. It wasn't the end of her school career. And who makes a girl band during finals, anyway?
Kelly: It was Hot Sundae, it was the 90s, it was a different time.


Katie: Next episode. Like we were abruptly woke in Dinosaurs, turns out this show was also very sexist. Guys break into the girls locker room, then Zach sells pictures of the girls in bathing suits without their consent, LET ALONE THEIR AWARENESS OF IT. AC Slater is, as Jessie definitely described, a pig.
SBTB 4.jpg
There are LAWS, Zach.

Kelly: I had many many problems with that plotline. But I have to say, Jessie’s feminism, which was played for laughs at the time, was quite good.
Katie: Yes, but I always sort of thought of her as a whiny nuisance. Whereas Kelly and Lisa, who liked the treatment, I thought of as fun. Now I want to shake Jessie’s hand and vote her into office.
Kelly: Exactly. Spanno 2016. I'd vote so fast and hard for a Spanno/Darling ticket.
Katie: OH - GOOD QUESTION. Is it Spanno/Darling or Darling/Spanno? I think it's Darling/Spanno, because America will vote for the girl next door, but Spanno will do all the actual work from her VP office. She doesn't like to be the center of attention, she didn't enjoy being sold on a calendar without her consent!
Kelly: Spanno/Darling because Spanno's the one who wants it and Darling is picked as her running mate to make her likeable.
Katie: I’d like to see a race between Darling and Spanno.
Kelly: No race, everyone would be like, "You know what, that’s cool. I’m good with that."


Katie: With the Shakespearean Lesbian Calendar gaining some model agency traction, as far as regular high school for-profit projects go, relationships got tense at Bayside High.
Kelly: Kelly was gonna go to France to model. And it was The Babysitters Club all over again. No one was allowed to model.
Katie: AND ZACH WAS LIKE, “DON'T GO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. STAY HERE BECAUSE I'M A WETWAD DICKWAD.”
Kelly: Word.
Katie: Wow, guys are the worst. Like, worse than meth.
Kelly: Way worse.
Katie: They just exploited women to make money, and then when it inconveniences them, they're like “WHOA WHORES, STEP BACK. I said you could take photographs in the kitchen barefoot, I didn’t say you could make decisions for yourself about anything.”
Kelly: You asked if I liked that Kelly Kapowski had my name. I said no because people always said how much prettier she was than me.
Katie: Which is SOOOOO GD SAD. You had terrible school mates. Good job, middle school class of '94.
Kelly: If people take anything away from this blog, it will be that grade school was not my best time.
Katie: If people take anything away, it's that bullying leaves scars. Scars even Clarissa can't heal. Or 1-800 numbers. Or hair dolls. But, hair dolls might help.


Katie: The drugs episode was next.  With “teen heartthrob” Johnny Dakota. I still found him attractive with his little shaggy hair and short stature.
SBTB 6.jpg
You only get that smile if you do drugs
Kelly: But he did drugs, Katie.
Katie: This isn't Nancy Reagan years. Drugs are cool and hip, Kelly. Nancy Reagan, Fancy Reagan. (Drugs are not cool.)
Kelly: I would like a cat named Fancy Reagan if you're taking requests.
Katie: I’ll allow it.


Kelly: The bully in this episode was 43 years old.
Katie: Everyone was 43 years old.
Kelly: Except for Mr. Belding.
Katie: He was 44. That’s why it worked.
SBTB 7.jpg
Ages from L to R: 43, 43, 43, 42



Kelly: I love how the plot was "Well this hot actor dropped out of our commercial. Let’s use our second choice! The ... CEO of NBC."
SBTB 8.jpg
Hello, fellow kids.
Katie: And you KNOW NBC was like “omg, we're making a difference.” That show didn't make me not want to do drugs. I mean, it didn't make me want to do them. But it didn't make me not want to. To be clear, I did not do drugs. But SBtB should take no credit.
Kelly: It did teach me that caffeine pills existed though, and that was exciting. "I’m so excited TO DO DRUGS!"
Katie: Yeah, I was basically like "how can I get some of those?”
Kelly: "Sounds good, where do I sign up for drugs, please?"
Katie: Is there a 1-800-hotline for giving me a drug dealer?
Kelly: "Kids are doing more drugs. I don’t understand, what went wrong? We had the CEO of NBC!!"
Katie: “We put a white man in a suit on TV. Everyone listens to white men in suits.”
Kelly: Even when they have literally never seen them before or even knows what CEO stands for.  Cocaine, Ecstasy, (and i don’t know an O drug).
Katie: Opium? Opiates? Oral heroin?
Kelly: Omarijuana.


Katie: Just for the record, my takeaway from the drug show was "that party looked pretty cool." It was not "Thanks white man, I won't do drugs." Our next blog should be “Best Drug of the 90s.” And we do all the drugs. And hope we don't die.
Kelly: And I never get another job ever again.
Katie: We'll be drug lords, we'll make plenty of money and not need office jobs. “How’d these two white girls get to be lords of the international drug cartel? They blogged their way to the top.”
Kelly: Are you a drug lord if you just do a lot of drugs? Do you know how drug lording works? I don’t think that’s how drug lording works.
Katie: I am not a drug lord, but I assume this blog will open many doors to us.
Kelly: I’m just saying, your plan sounds like it has some holes.

Katie: So, then we watched a resort episode.
SBTB 9.jpg
Our faces watching this episode
Kelly: A dark time in SbtB history. But not as dark as College Years.
Katie: Oh Jesus. College isn't even remotely the same. Leah Remini was a badass actress. But more badass now that she left Scientology.
Kelly: Remini/Spanno/Darling 2016.

What was your take-away?
Kelly: Drugs are cool. Do drugs.
Katie: Do drugs. Tease your hair. Hang out by your locker if you want to get asked out. The principal is your friend. I’ll never be as pretty as Kelly Kapowski.
Kelly: And if I had abs like Kelly Kapowski, I would never wear full shirts, just half shirts like her.
Which character would you be?
Katie: 1990 Katie would say Kelly. 2016 Katie says Jessie.
Kelly: I think its obvy- Jessie. SPANNO/DARLING 2016! SAVE AMERICA BY THE BELL AGAIN!
Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Katie: I meeeeean, c'mon. Zach.
Kelly: Doy.


Bimbi count: 763
Kelly: Ugh.
Katie: Oh Jesus. Lisa, Kelly, all the women in the calendar.
Kelly: And every girl ever in the background. And all girl characters with one line.
Katie: So, we're at like 763?
Kelly: I was gonna make a 9,210 joke but I’ll save it.
Katie: 90210?
Kelly: Yes. 90,210.
Katie: Because a 9,210 joke goes over my head.
Kelly: See why I’m saving it?
Katie: Yes, save it.
Editor's Note:
Katie: We also need a wetwad count. We're being sexist ourselves.
Kelly: Yeah, we should have had one.
Katie: WE STILL CAN!


Wetwad count: 6
Katie: NBC CEO, Belding, Slater, Zach, Screech, Leah Remini's father
SBTB 10.jpg
Who has two hands and is a wetwad?
Would you watch SBTB for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: Like...I guess? If it were on in my hotel room while I was getting ready in the morning and I didn't know the local channels. It would be comforting, like an old friend.
Katie: Yes, but maybe watching with friends to reminisce and then it turns into a night of laughing and talking about high school and not so much about SBTB at all.


The Party Rating: 4/5

Kelly: I’m gonna say 4.
Katie: I agree, even though Tiffini Hale is the Kelly Kapowski of The Party.

Monday, December 21, 2015

The Best Show of the 90s is "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

The Tale of Making Show Titles with Microsoft WordArt

Katie: During the credits I got excited for how bad the campfire banter was going to be, and I was not disappointed.
Kelly: I was surprised by how multicultural the group was.
Katie: Everyone is kind of a nasty bitch on this show to each other. “Looks like we're in for another fun night,” they said sarcastically.
Kelly: Bitches be bitches.
Katie: What kind of terrible social group is this?
Kelly: It’s the Midnight Society.
Katie: Bitchnight Society.

Kelly: We knew which episodes we had to include -
Katie: I’M COLD! The one where the little boy ghost says I’M COLD! And then we got a HUGE surprise, Special Guest: Melissa Joan Hart!
Kelly: We picked a really good episode. She’s the best.
Katie: She’s your idol!

Kelly: The story begins with a rich spoiled brat visiting some old ladies, their relationship is unclear - aunts? grandmothers? And Clarissa is his babysitter who has to come along on the trip. The old ladies live in an old house in the middle of the woods.
Katie: I didn’t understand from the start why Clarissa had to go since there were two full-grown adults at the house.
Kelly: Clearly they’re not to be trusted, these old ladies in the woods.
Katie: This kid was a snot.
Kelly: Ugh, this kid. He doesn’t like to get dirty, he’s not allowed to play with sharp things, he is a snitch. He was a true wetwad.
Katie: Snitches get stitches.
Kelly: So they are outside doing chores for the old ladies, like cutting wood.
Katie: And then the brat is alone and sees footprints in the mud and leaves coming towards him. If you saw footprints coming toward you you'd shit yourself, right?
Kelly: Right. My pants would look like the front of his overalls.

The Tale of the Ghost in Satin Pajamas and Ol’ Shitveralls.

Katie: The ghost appears and shows the brat an old log.
Kelly: Then Clarissa comes out, the brat tells her there’s a ghost, and her reaction was like “oh, there's a ghost, no problem, but why are you digging in the log?"
Katie: Clarissa isn’t phased by anything.
Kelly: The brat found a key in the log, turned out to be the key to make the old ladies’ stove work.
Katie: Then when they turn the key, like 4 billion gold coins come flying out of the pipe and now the old ladies are rich. Thanks, dead kid.
Kelly: Then we close with awkward campfire banter!
Katie: You mistyped and said, “Is that guy’s shirt on akward?” meaning backwards. But not really a typo at all, because it was on awkwards.

The Tale of the Awkwards-On Shirt

Kelly: In the next episode, we got some solid 90s fashion in the campfire banter. A side pony and some butt hair.

The Tale of Two Bad Haircuts

Katie: And the leader nerd - he had some butt hair too.
Kelly: The 90s was about nothing if not about butt hair.

The Tale of Contemplating Butt-Hair

Katie: The first butt hair guy told the story. He used words like “psyched.” He also described the adults as “some kind of scientists” which I didn’t understand, because if he’s the one making the story up, can’t he fill in the blanks?
Kelly: At one point you just screamed “BANGS!”

The Tale of Oh My God, Stop and Just Look at Her Bangs for a Sec

Katie: And we got our first bimbi sighting!
Kelly: Maaaaaj bimbi. And totes mean girl.
Katie: She always looked like she just smelled a fart.
Kelly: She used non-words like “zeeb.”
Katie: To which the sweet, nice lead character replied, "How does one prove that they are not a zeeb?” It also got really uncomfortable at one point, with the mean girl inspecting the sweet girl and getting very close to her face.
Kelly: It was like the lead-in to a lesbian porno.
Katie: How would you know?
Kelly: I’m guessing. I can make an educated guess.
Katie: I learn new things about you everyday.

Kelly: The mean girl’s bangs were a sight to behold. How did she keep them up all night?
Katie: Jizz.
Kelly: (not a porn reference)
Katie: (a porn reference)

The Tale of There’s Something About Mean Girl

Kelly: There was also an old lady who lived with the mean girl’s family. The mean girl would scream at her if she saw her walking around. “GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM!”
Katie: Like she was the man in the iron mask.

The Tale of the Atypical Porn Character

Kelly: It was unclear the relationship of this old woman and the mean girl.
Katie: I was think it was her nanny, not her granny - so, unrelated. Now it’s safe to be a porn.
Kelly: I think I’d kill myself if I were Nanny.
Katie: The porn would take a drastic turn.
Kelly: This is the worst porn.

Katie: Later, the mean girl’s squad shows up. The scrunchie squad.
Kelly: I loved the girl in the red pants who didn’t know what to do with her hands.

The Tale of Totally Looking Casual

Katie: The mean girl is giving the backstory on the haunted house. She explains it was  “a long long time ago” but it was during a war…. so you probably know exactly what time frame.
Kelly: There’s only like 3 options if you live in America.
Katie: History is for zeebs.
Kelly: The zeeb sleeps over at the house, and the ghost comes out… and it… was… slightly terrifying.

The Tale of the Ghost Who Doesn’t Hurt Zeebs

Kelly: The next morning we got to meet the out of control shoulder pads.
Katie: This lady was one step away from being Beetlejuice’s mother.

The Tale of How I Met Beetlejuice’s Mom

Katie: The zeeb goes back to the house to help the ghost.
Kelly: The ghost had decorated the room overnight.
Katie: How did this ghost have so much chalk?

The Tale of Buying Chalk in Bulk from Sam’s Club

Kelly: Somehow the mean girl gets trapped in the mirror and the ghost girl gets to come out.
Katie: PLOT TWIST! The ghost girl was Nanny’s daughter.
Kelly: Nanny has no issue with being pulled into a haunted house and then seeing her dead daughter, then walking into a mirror to be with her dead daughter.
Katie: Most natural thing for nannies to do. “Just gonna walk into this mirror, byeeeeeeeee.”
Kelly: But then mean girl is still stuck in the mirror! I thought maybe mirrors would be a “one in - one out” deal. I was wrong. Huh!

Katie: So far, we’ve been 2 for 2 with episodes with overalls.
Kelly: The 90s were about nothing if they weren't about overalls.

The Tale of the Sassy Pants Club

Katie: Back at the bonfire banter, the butt hair guy has a crush on side pony and gives her a gift.
Kelly: It was a locket from the mirror ghost, which is the creepiest gift.
Katie: “I got you a dead child’s necklace.”
Kelly: “Yeah, you really shouldn’t have, Dave.”

The Tale of Graverobbing is the new Netflix and Chill

Katie: Next, you picked "The Tale of the Dollmaker” about a girl going missing and her friend searches for her in a creepy attic in a creepy dollhouse. The lead character reminded me of Beezus from “Ramona.”
Kelly: It’s just because they are all Canadian.

The Tale of Canada

Katie: It’s another episode where a kid is just shipped off to another family.
Kelly: Because it’s inherently scary. You've already discovered all the creepy neighbors in your own hood.
Katie: Then we saw this outfit. A robe? A gi? A blanket?

The Tale of Nothing Fit in the 90s

Katie: She learns her friend’s family who lived next door moved away. Their daughter went missing, and the parents couldn’t stand to stay at the house, so they moved, but they are keeping the house. The family is carrying 2 mortgages.
Kelly: That’s a lot in property taxes on the hope that your dead kid comes back. And you don’t even want to be there when she does?
Katie: An empty house is welcoming. An empty huge house. These house are huge.
Kelly: Canada.
Katie: Thanks, Obama.

Katie: Beezus now finds herself in the dollhouse that was in the neighbor’s attic.
Kelly: She finds her long lost dead friend Susan who is slowly turning into a porcelain doll.
Katie: A porcelain doll from hell.

The Tale of Playing It Cool When You Should Totally Be Freaking Out

Katie: Susan was falling apart. Her hand fell off.
Kelly: Beezus picked it up like it was nothing. “Oh, here’s your hand that fell, I’ll just put this here.”
Katie: That’s what pockets are for.
Kelly: For your dead hands.

.
The Tale of the Pocket Hand

Kelly: Lastly, we watched an episode solely based on the reason that Will Friedle guest-starred.
Katie: From 1995! Near the beginning of his “Boy Meets World” fame.

The Tale of Will Friedle's Rad Shirt

Kelly: On his walk home from school, he hears creepy noises in the woods then finds a bloody knife. Hey kids, word of advice - don’t touch the murder weapon you find the in woods.
Katie: On his second trip through the woods, he decides to chase after and taunt a man he sees running with a musket. Good idea.
Kelly: We meet a Revolutionary War ghost. Wouldn't he have a British accent if this were the Revolutionary War? Or, at least not a Canadian accent?

The Tale of the Revolutionary Deep V

Katie: I didn't know Paul Rudd and the evil knight from “A Knight's Tale” had a baby. With sperm donation from the South Park guys.
Kelly: I didn't either, but I ain't mad at it.
Katie: Will’s crush finds him in the woods. Look how many weird patterns she has.

The Tale of Making Shitveralls Look Good

Kelly: Will gets caught by a bunch of Redcoats. Really, really historical Redcoats.
"You guys will play soldiers. Hold your bayonets like they look natural."
"Like this? Above our heads like this?"
“I'm no historian but that looks accurate."

The Tale of the Historically Accurate Redcoats

Katie: Dreamy ghost saves Will from the Redcoats, and parts ways to go find his one true love.
Kelly: Dreamy ghost says “remember my plight” which is a good phrase. I'm gonna use it when you won’t do stuff for me.

The Tale of the Modern 90s Deep V

The Second Tale of the Modern 90s Deep V

Katie: Back at school, everyone has bags and books, but why does the black guy have to carry around the boom box?
Kelly: #DasRacist. He explains it’s for playing “tewnues” when he means “tunes.” Everyone has an accent but the one guy who was supposed to.
Katie: It’s part of Will’s plan to play boom box music to confuse the ghosts. Sweet boom box tewnues.
Kelly: They were not the sweetest tewnues I’ve ever heard.
"What's our budget for music?"
"Zero Canadian dollars."
"Cool, let me sit on this keyboard and fart out some music."
"Sweet tewnues dude, no one will ever know we didn't have a music budget."
Katie: Are they all Canadian? Is that their problem?
Kelly: Being Canadian is a problem.

Katie: Anyway, Will finds the dreamy ghost’s locket on the ground and gives it to the girl. “Here's a dirty piece of trash I found on the ground. It demonstrates my feelings towards you.” It's full of pictures of dead strangers.
Kelly: Dead people that I helped continue to be dead. Which is to say,Will did nothing.
Katie: Graverobbing works man. This episode was dumb and not scary and I'm now dumber about the Revolutionary War.

The Wrap-Up

What was your take-away?
Kelly:  Going to new places is scary. And adults can’t be trusted to provide proper supervision in Canada.
Katie: The 90s really was not a great time to be alive, if you were a ghost. Or if you wanted to look good in pictures 20 years later.
Kelly: You wouldn’t be alive if you were a ghost, in the 90s or not. Just saying.
Katie: The 90s really was not a great time to be a ghost.
Kelly: Or to find proper-fitting clothes.

Which character would you be?
Kelly: MELISSA JOAN HART!
Katie: You can’t always be her!
Kelly: I can, and I am. She took no shit from no one, be it small whiny boys or crazy old ladies.
Katie: I think I’d be the pretty blonde from the Midnight Society. She was given a lot of gifts. Albeit creepy gifts from dead people, but gifts nonetheless.
Kelly: You did always get a lot of gifts. Creepy ones at that.
Katie: Oh you’re right. I got a school picture with a creepy note on the back, a rock, a limerick, and a terrifying stuffed bear.
Kelly: You needed a 1-800 help line.

Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Kelly: I’m going with the non-British patriot.
Katie: I kind of want to say... Melissa Joan Hart.
Kelly: We welcome all choices here.
Katie: That lesbian porn got me in the mood.

Bimbi count: 8+
Katie: Bangs, her posse, all the parents on this show
Kelly: That’s 8 in Canadian bimbis, which is like 12 American bimbis.

Would you watch AYAOTD for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: I think I would. For a Halloween sleepover.
Katie: I would attend that sleepover, but I’d need at least two drinks. And a deep V.

The Party rating: 4/5

Katie: Yeah, a solid 4. But we didn’t have enough Melissa Joan Hart.
Kelly: I can always go for some more MJH.