Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Best TV Show of the 90s is "The Torkelsons."

Katie: It’s finally Torkelsons Day!!
Kelly: We clearly knew this was going to be good.
Katie: We were very excited and had some episodes in mind.
Kelly: Yes, I think we all had…
Katie: All both of us.
Kelly: ... one special episode in mind. Which was fine, because all episodes aired between 1991 and 1993.
Katie: SALVATION ARMY DRESS! That should have been the title of the episode. Instead it was, The Cotillion…… to which she wore a SALVATION ARMY DRESS! And it was only $8!
Kelly: It was not even worth $8.
Katie: I want clothes for $8.
Kelly: You want those clothes for $8?
Katie: I might. I just might.

Kelly: So Dorothy Jane is so poor she can't afford a new dress for the school dance, so she finds one at Salvation Army BUT turns out it was the throw-off of her nemesis Dreama Donathan (who may not be named Dreama Donathan but the internet did not help on this one).

More like Dream-Bitch-a Don’t-athan

Katie: I thought her name was Prima Donathan, because whose name is Dreama? But also, whose name is Donathan?
Kelly: Dreama publicly embarrasses Dorothy Jane for being poor at the school dance by exposing Dorothy Jane’s dress as Dreama’s trash by revealing the ink stain that Dorothy Jane covered with a flower.


Katie: I didn’t understand why is this such an embarrassment? Is it a surprise the Torkelsons are poor? Do people care where people buy their clothes?
Kelly: One time in middle school a classmate, who shall remain nameless, found out that mom bought my clothes at Target and everyone laughed at me. We were at Six Flags on a field trip.
Katie: THAT IS SO SAD. Where the hell else do people shop if not Target?
Kelly: All my clothes still come from Target and I look fly as hell.
Katie: I'm literally wearing 4 things from Target at this moment, while on my Target sheets, with my Target pillow.

But anyway, after the dress is destroyed and Dreama proves that Dorothy Jane is a woman on a budget, Riley Roberts still dances with her.

You don’t need no credit card to ride this Riley train

Kelly: Riley was a good crush to have.
Katie: Who was 40 years old.
Kelly: Cuz he was a nice young, old man.
Katie: Then Kirby comes back and interrupts Riley and Dorothy Jane dancing and forces Dorothy Jane to dance with him and it made me uncomfortable when I was a child and it makes me uncomfortable now.
Kelly: I would die.
Katie: You died at Six Flags.
Kelly: I really did. I’m just a ghost now. I haunt the clearance rack at Target. They’re having a sale on maxi skirts, fyi.

Katie: I can't believe this show struggled. The acting held up.
Kelly: This show was perfect.
Katie: Oh, also, they were so poor that when the mom gave Dorothy Jane a family heirloom... It was a plastic necklace. It made me sad in the heart.

Gives me the feels of plastic tears

Kelly: It was a plastic necklace of dreams.
Katie: I had such a crush on the non-nerdy brother, Stephen Floyd, growing up. You know me and my love for long gross hair.

The poor man’s Rider Strong

Kelly: You and your gross loves. I always liked poor Kirby. Why does she hate him?
Katie: You loved Kirby. As viewers, we were supposed to hate him, but you loved him.
Kelly: I didn’t love him so much as felt bad for him and didn't think he was the worst. I also want a boy to “Yay Yay!!” when he sees me in my Salvation Army dress.
Katie:  [note to self: text Kelly’s boyfriend about Kelly's plastic dream of yay yaying.]

Kelly’s dream come true

Katie: I forgot she begins all the episodes talking to the Man in the Moon. She comments that he’s out in his “full moon glory and splendor.”
Kelly: Why doesn't she use contractions? It’s not 100 years ago.
Katie: She's 100 years old.
Kelly:  And also 100 years ago they used contractions.
Katie: And I totally forgot about this theme song. All about God, God, God. You're right, the songs do come back to you like a sack of rocks. Or like a mouthful of uncontracted words.

Kelly: Oh, then we watched the episode where Dorothy Jane tried to be slutty, so she changed her name to Dottie, like all the 80-year-old sluts do.

Dottie: The Sluttie

Katie: Why didn’t she change her name to DJ?
Kelly: Probably because she was too nervous to compete with DJ Tanner?
Katie: DJ Torkelson > DJ Tanner
Kelly: Dorothy Jane >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Donna Jo

Katie: In the second episode we watched, Dorothy Jane gets tips from the hot cheerleader Callie, who I thought was Dreama Donathan for most of the episode.
Kelly: She gives weird advice: Be detached. Kiss them a lot. Giggle. Be a robot prostitute.
Katie: What childhood drama is Callie fighting through? She asks Dorothy Jane, “How do you feel things?”
Kelly: Well the fact that she has to ask that proves to me that she needed a hotline. Someone probs made a hair doll of her and she hasn't felt since.

Katie: Moving on! We switch over to the “Almost Home” era of the Torkelsons. They gave the show a makeover in 1993 after one season, got rid of some kids, added some new kids, and renamed it “Almost Home” with a new theme song that has less God mentions.
Kelly: They kill off two of her sibs, and add Brittany Murphy and Jason Marsden. RIP Brittany.

She could not be a farmer in those clothes

It clearly says Jason Marsden

Katie: They don't “kill” them, they just never talk about them ever again, right?
Kelly: But they’re still in the opening credits! Wait, I got my marsdens mixed up. This is Jason Marsden.
Katie: You literally just said Jason Marsden.
Kelly: I know, but I was thinking James, but it’s Jason.
Katie: Are Jason and James bro and bro?
Kelly: They’re bros like brooooo.
Katie: “James Marsden is commonly confused as being the brother of actor Jason Marsden. Although the two are not related, they are actually good friends and their respective wives have been friends since they were six.” Ok, so 2 best childhood friends grew up and married two different actors with the same last name?
Kelly: Told you they were brooooos.
Katie: For years I was convinced Jason Marsden was in our childhood children's acting class and you always told me I was stupid.
Kelly: Whaaaat. First of all I don’t remember these conversations at all. Second of all which Marsden are we talking about?
Katie: JASON. THIS ONE WE ARE LOOKING AT RIGHT NOW. AND I was convinced we went to acting class with Philip Seymour Hoffman, but not really, but there was an old kid who pretty much looked just like PSH and he got a “big hollywood break” to go be in a movie 'Twister' and we all lined up to get his autograph in his last day of class and then a few years went by and ‘Twister’ came out, and all I can think is that maybe he was supposed to be in it? But then PSH beat him out?
Kelly: I remember that guy. He died in “Twister.”
Katie: Wait, he was IN “Twister”?
Kelly: Yeah, he died. I just told you this.

Katie: In the first “Almost Home” episode we watched, Dorothy Jane has to tutor Ben Affleck.
Kelly: Ben wore some chooooooice sweaters.
Katie: One had a lot of sharp angles. The other looked like a Mario Bros. level. Also, speaking of sweaters, Jason wore one that looked like Bert and Ernie deconstructed.

The more angles to court you with.

Super Sweater Bros.

Missing a rubber duckie.

Katie: In other news, my fitbit just vibrated saying I hit 10,000 steps as I brought a tortilla chip to my face to eat.
Kelly: Ha, I don’t think that counts.

Katie: The last episode we watched had Jared Leto in it and as expected, he was beautiful.

Look at what Claire Danes has coming for her.

Katie: I didn’t care much for anything else in this episode, except for Jared Leto.
Kelly: His hair is nice and short.
Katie: He has some butt hair though.
Kelly: It was the 90s, who didn’t?
Katie: I always hated in shows and movies where they are like 'let's go to a movie' 'ok, let's go at 5.’ And I mean, is there just gonna be a movie showing when they show up? They don't have to check movie phone?
Kelly: RIP movie phone.
Katie: The episode did make me wonder… Do people in real life wear robes as often as people on tv wear them?
Kelly: I do not. Someone was once telling me a story about how they were sitting on their couch in their robe and I was like, “uh whut?” Like, doesn’t it take just as much time to put on a robe as it does to throw on a sweatshirt?

Robes for the sake of good television.

The Wrap-Up

What was your take-away?
Katie: I think my take-away is that this show was underappreciated. Dorothy Jane is an amazing role model for girls who feel left out, poor, ugly, unwanted, too smart - she should have been a #1 role model.
Kelly: I wanted to be Dorothy Jane when I grew up, poverty and all, because Riley would still dance with me.

Which character would you be?
Kelly: DJ. We are all Dorothy Jane, except you can be the ferggy lil sis.
Katie: I was for sure the annoying younger sister who liked sports and could have been a lesbian but I would WANT to be Dorothy Jane.

Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Kelly: RILEY.
Katie: STEPHEN FLOYD. I don't care about your Riley with his normal length hair. Stephen Floyd and his gross hair 4Lyfe.
Kelly: He wasn't even good enough to move to Seattle with the rest of the Torks.
Katie: Sometimes the biggest winners are those forgotten.
Kelly: RIP Stephen Floyd. #Neverforget

Bimbi count: 3
Dreama, Callie, and Brittany. We’re still not convinced Dreama and Callie weren’t the same person.

Would you watch The Torks for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: Oh hells yes.
Katie: I would, and I want to watch some more now. I'm a vodka drink deep, and I would watch some now, but I’m saying, I don’t even need the vodka to watch The Torks.
Kelly: Highest praise you can give.

The Party Rating5/5 

Kelly: 5. Duh. Perfect Party.
Katie: IDK!!
Kelly: WHAT
Katie: The change from Torkelsons to Almost Home was weird and just for the masses.
Kelly: But it was the 90s. And people would watch Dinosaurs but they wouldn't watch Torks.
Katie: I mean, I give it 5, but I give the producers 2 for being coward asshats.
Kelly: Ok, that’s fair.

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