TW: eating disorders are mentioned in passing and discussed in reference to the Full House episode where DJ struggles with weight. These comments are italicized throughout.
Katie: We’re doing it! We’re back! We’re starting off hard with “Full House”!!!
Kelly: You said you were scared to take on the behemoth that was Full House. It's iconic.
Katie: It's a really big deal.
Kelly: I'm proud of you for being brave.
Katie: I have a mug of wine that says "The BMI is Bullshit" so that helped.
Kelly: You're thriving.
Katie: Ok what are the episodes you remember? The ones I remember are:
- when Stephanie gets bullied at school and they call her “step on me”
- when someone drives a car into their breakfast room
- when Jesse sings (many)
- which Steph starts hanging out with the hot troublemaker slut
Kelly: I want to find the one where Uncle Jesse makes a congrats cake and someone says what if they don't get it and he says he'll cover up the "cong" so it says “rats,” because to this day, that's how I know how to spell congratulations.
Katie: You already told that story when we did Saved By The Bell.
Kelly: Well, it’s really a big part of my personality.
Do you remember when we were in San Fran and found the house and spent a good hour or two recreating the opening? Like aunt Becky smelling the flowers? And peering from behind the tree?
Katie: We did a really good job.
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| Full Full House |
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| Full Credits |
Ok we are starting with season 3, ep 13 which aired January 4, 1990. It’s the earliest of the 90s we could get! It’s called “No More Mr. Dumb Guy” and Jesse is gonna feel dumb with Becky’s friends!
The opening credits!!!
THE MILKMAN. PAPER BOY. WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM. This is a murder mystery.
Kelly: The two places where you find missing children ads. No, they’re not called ads. “Let’s advertise our lost children. doobie do bah bah bow!”
This house has so many front steps. Why did everyone not go through the back?
Katie: The hat on Danny in the car. I cannot.
Kelly: Did people in the 80s not wear their hat fully on their heads? It’s a foot above his actual head.
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| Full Floating Hat |
Kelly: So the first episode starts with Danny and Becky's talk show and Danny hits all over the guest. She says she’s throwing a “cultural party.”
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| Full Boring |
Katie: Danny suggests, to a woman in a work environment, that they go to the party together “as a couple.”
Kelly: Do not ask people out while they are at work.
Becky tells Uncle Jesse about this cultural party, but Jesse doesn't think he's classy enough.
He tries to get out of going until he meets ...her other date? Why does this guy show up at the house?
Katie: She legit gets picked up for this party at her house with a date in front of her boyfriend and she's all “Jesse this is normal don't be weird about it, I have a cultural party to go to.”
Kelly: But also Jesse was invited and was going to go. So she had two dates. I guess this is how you behave at cultural parties.
Katie: Isn’t her date Dick van Dyke's son? He’s Becky’s professor?
Kelly: Oh looks like it. A doctor AND a professor. (Was he a doctor on that show?)
Katie: lol no Dick was a doctor, the son was a policeman on “Diagnosis: Murder.”
Kelly: A policeman AND a professor. Anyway, against her better judgment, the lady from the show agrees to go with Danny. To her own party she was going to go to anyway. But now she has to stop at the Tanner house on the way.
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| Full Dates |
Kelly: Jesse shows up to the party in a jealous rage and gets into an arm wrestling match with Becky's date. It's gauche to make someone feel inferior, espesh at a cultural party.
Katie: I once read it's gauche to cut the skin off of brie - so I never have since.
Kelly: We used to eat wax lips straight up as children, some brie rind won’t kill us.
Katie: At least we as a country moved on from actual lead paint in our children's toys.
Kelly: When Jesse gets home, he confides his romantic problems in Michelle, a toddler. Michelle caresses Jesse’s face in close-up.
Katie: I literally cannot look at this screenshot without crying laughing.
Kelly: I was just pretending in my head it was a hand model.
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| Full Hand Modeling |
Kelly: Michelle helps him decide to go serenade his angry girlfriend. Because that's definitely what she wants, more public displays.
Katie: I've literally had boys sing to me as a way to enamor and I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
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| Full Serenade |
Katie: It is apparently what SHE wants though, because she forgives him and we get a "Have mercy."
Kelly: Drink! Episode over.
Katie: NOW WHAT - there's so many ways to go. Found it. DJ HAS TO SAY NO TO DRINKING in season 3, episode 21 “Just Say No” which originally aired March 30, 1990.
Kelly: Yes. The anorexia is season 4.
Katie: This episode will ease us into anorexia.
Kelly: That’s nice.
Katie: Michelle made Joey a sandwich with banana, pickles, jello, and bubble gum. And Joey goes "all 4 food groups.” And I laughed.
Kelly: Katie.
Kelly: Michelle gets hooked on the song "Baby Beluga." Joey does a dance and spits like a whale and, honestly? Funny.
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| Full Beluga |
Kelly: The A-plot line, though, is that DJ and Kimmy are going to a school party. With boys.
Katie: KIMMY!
Kelly: Remember when they would gaslight us all into thinking that Kimmy was ugly, but she's just a regular girl?
Katie: Yeah, apparently DJ and Kimmy were in charge of the school dance - and by in charge of I mean like - do all the cleaning, book all the entertainment, probably sign off on the insurance liabilities. But, DJ wears a black pantsuit to the dance!!
Kelly: Feminist icon! Until she wasn’t.
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| Full Feminist Fashion |
Katie: Back at the house, Michelle wanting everyone to sing her annoying song is me to the core and I felt it.
Kelly: Wait, so everyone just left the small child alone in the kitchen that whole time?
Katie: Yes. Multiple times.
Kelly: There are 3 adults in this full house and no one watching the baby.
Anway, back to the party and- JEAN DRESS.
jean dress
jean dress alert
Katie: MEDIEVAL JEAN DRESS.
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| Full Denim |
Kelly: I was going to say we didn’t have middle school dances, but then cotillion flashed before my eyes.
Katie: Wow we absolutely had middle school dances.
Kelly: Not at school! not with the nuns and priests!
Katie: I asked my crush to dance and he pretended like he couldn't hear me and then pretended like he was too full to dance. So that was neat. That was in the school lunchroom.
Kelly: "Too full." I'm crying.
Katie: I CRIED BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS AT THE TIME.
Kelly: No, I NEVER had a dance at school. OR, equally plausible, not invited.
Katie: You think your whole class of 22 kids was invited and you weren’t? You probably just didn't go.
Kelly: I would have gone! I went to cotillion!
I see cassette tapes! We're in pre-cd era.
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| Full Tape Deck |
Kelly: Because the music was left to TWO CHILDREN, the band drops out and Jesse has to fill in. But he doesn't have the Rippers, so DJ gets the marching band.
And this was my third laugh of the night.
These are definitely adult actors, btw, in the band on stage. The “marching band.” of adults.
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| Full Adult Band |
Kelly: The boy that DJ invited (because in addition to planning an entire party, these children were also required to invite their own dates) is nervous because DJ is sooo coooool. So his friends peer pressure him into splitting one hot beer among 3 people.
Katie: You say "people," but it was basically three 8 year olds.
Kelly: One hot beer among 3 children is still not much hot beer.
And now that I'm thinking about it, if the children were in charge of planning the dance, they were also in charge of setting the rules. Which Kimmy said was that the girls had to ask the guys.
Katie: Kimmy was a cougar.
Kelly: What's the opposite of a cougar because she was 13.
Katie: Cub. Wait, do you think 13-year-old children are the opposites of 50-year-old women?
Kelly: You tell me what the opposite of a child is.
Katie: When DJ says no to drinking, one of the bad beer bois shakes the can (of the ONE beer they have to drink) to spray her with it.
Kelly: So each small child got even less than a third of the hot beer, because it was mostly foam at that point.
Then Jesse catches DJ with the beer! And no one believes her that she didn't drink it!
DJ goes home and cries and Steph consoles her and I have nothing snarky to say about that. It was real and touching. Stephanie believes DJ didn't drink the beer, because Stephanie believes women. We all love Stephanie.
Katie: Under Stephanie’s Eye.
Kelly: Then DJ somehow goes BACK to the party to confront the boy. He tells Danny that DJ didn't drink the beer and we all learn a lesson to listen to women.
We also saw a cold milk vending machine.
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| Full Cold Milk |
Kelly: There was so much milk in the 90s. That's why I was at the doctor every week.
Katie: "My child can't stop pooping liquids, what should I do, Doctor?" "She should drink more milk."
Kelly: They had to do an elimination diet on me and I remember once just eating a single dry hot dog for lunch. But, I didn't shit my brains out all night and sleep through school, so.
Katie: "Dry" hot dog has me loling.
Kelly: Then we finally get to the episode we've all been waiting for. Props for them doing an episode on disordered eating, because every single woman our age knows this episode.
Katie: Name me an adult woman (opposite of a child) that DOESN'T remember this episode.
Kelly: This left an indelible mark on every girl our age. I remembered the fainting scene perfectly.
Katie: I did NOT remember how no adults help her.
Kelly: It starts with Kimmy telling DJ that there's a boy girl SWIMMING party and DJ has to wear a SWIMSUIT in front of BOYS. DJ, who was a completely healthy child at a completely healthy weight, is terrified. I would have been too, no doubt.
Katie: Honestly, that's still terrifying today. Except when you hit 40 and have no energy to give a shit.
Kelly: I'm too tired to even put the suit on. Roll me into the pool in my street clothes.
Katie: I'm too tired to walk 15 feet to the pool; I'm still on the couch with a shirt lightly draped around me.
Kelly: Kimmy’s walking around in a onesie.
Katie: What is on her onesies? Are those iguanas?
Kelly: They are mermaids and those are nekkid asses.
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| Full Mermaid Butt |
[Ok, basically the rest of this episode is a TW for ED]
Kelly: And every adult who encounters this child and her disordered eating over the next three days does not see any of the warning signs. LIKE GIANT MAGAZINE CUT OUTS ON THE FRIDGE.
Not one man in that house OF WHICH THERE ARE THREE, thought, "...that's not right."
Katie: In fact, they just REINFORCE her struggling. The adult WOMAN in the house was like "oh, new fridge decor, the guys must love it."
This is DARK.
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| Full Dark |
Kelly: They give her "healthy eating tips" and "exercise tips" and never once say, "what you are doing is a little concerning and we should find you someone to talk to about body dysmorphia because you are actually very healthy."
Katie: DJ reveals instead of eating she's just gonna LICK ICE ON A STICK as a special little treat.
Kelly: And everyone says "Ok."
Katie: Aunt Becky just told DJ to "eat sensibly.” As someone who has been on a weight loss journey for 20 years - THAT IS NOT THE ONLY FACTOR.
Kelly: Lori - do not tell a healthy 13-year-old girl how to lose weight when she says she’s fat.
The answer is "you are fine as you are."
Katie: I remember thinking I should lose weight in middle school and I told myself I needed to pretend apples tasted like ice cream. I think I weighed 80 lbs. We had (have) a societal problem.
Kelly: Meanwhile, while none of these parental figures are parenting, Michelle the baby is wandering free through the house full of knives and unprotected electrical outlets.
Katie: Why is Michelle always alone in this house?
Kelly: Not a single person was watching the baby, and there are 6 people in the house. It's a very full house.
So for some reason, they decide to go to the gym as a family.
WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING THE CHILD HER BODY IS BAD?
This is not the rollicking good ride I was looking forward to.
Katie: lol this is definitely not a good time.
Kelly: I laughed when Michelle called the muscle builder “lumpy.”
Katie: Kelly.
Kelly: It's rude to comment on bodies, but still. Remember how the 90s didn’t have sports bras, just thong swimsuits and bike shorts?
Katie: I would wear what Michelle is wearing.
Kelly: You did wear what Michelle is wearing. No lie, I'm almost positive you had this outfit.
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| Full Lewk |
Kelly: Then! This is what I remember. The fainting scene.
Katie: It was just like I remembered. Scary!
Kelly: DJ faints at the gym and after three whole days of displaying concerning behavior, the adults finally realize that DJ has been struggling. And they only realize that because Stephanie has to tell them.
Katie: STEPHANIE'S VEST.
Kelly: It's a back brace. From carrying the weight of this family alone.
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| Full Back Support |
Katie: I can't believe how important Stephanie was and we never knew. Wait. DJ is still talking about dieting on the way down to dinner. I don’t think she learned a lot, but the music is telling me otherwise.
[TW: ED episode talk over]
Katie: Then we finally get to our last episode! and we jumped way ahead to season 8.
Kelly: It was a real leap. New opening credits. New babies. Stephanie has made friends with the world's coolest person, Gia.
Katie: Gia I remember most because she's so hot. And I can say that because I was also a teenage girl at the time. Gia was also Joey's sister in an episode of “Friends.” And the hot bully in "The Baby-sitters Club" movie. I was a huge fan of Gia.
Kelly: Gia makes a reprise on “Fuller House.” Or did you already have google alerts for that?
Katie: LOL NO I’ve never watched “Fuller House” because I figured “WHAT'S THE POINT.” I didn't know Gia was the point.
Kelly: Ok we decided on “Making Out is Hard to Do,” Season 8, Episode 3, which originally aired October 11, 1994.
Katie: There's Gia. Kelly, do you see her?
Kelly: She was the epitome of cool.
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| Full Gia |
Katie: Gia is being raised by a single mom who works so she can't be home all the time so Gia is BAD NEWS.
Kelly: Very Rayanne from “My So Called Life.” Gia walked so Ray could run.
Gia invites Steph to a “hot party” she’s throwing while her mom is at work. Stephanie doesn't understand what a hot party is, but she's in with the promise of some jalapeno dip.
Katie: hot party = JALAPENO DIP. NO SUPERVISION AT THIS HOT JALAPENO DIP PARTY.
Then we cut to Jesse and Joey who now have a radio show? I have forgotten that. And they have a special guest - IT'S LITERALLY ACTUALLY BARRY WILLIAMS. As himself. As a singer.
Kelly: Apparently, the Rippers dumped Jesse and Barry is the new lead.
We have moved to the CD era.
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| Full CD Era |
Katie: Barry is a singer?
Kelly: Wikipedia says In 1988, Williams appeared on Broadway in the musical Romance/Romance, taking over the lead male role when Scott Bakula left the production.
Katie: Would you rather see Barry Williams or Scott Bakula in a show?
Kelly: Scott.
Katie: Same.
Kelly: Remember when that survey lady called and all I could answer was “Quantum Leap” ‘til I started crying?
Katie: LOL NO WHAT
Kelly: They used to just call houses and do surveys, and I answered. And it was like “what’s a show you miss,” and I had JUST been thinking to myself, "man I miss Quantum Leap." So I said, “Quantum Leap.” And she was like, “what other shows?” and I just blanked. So I said, “No, I can’t think of any.”
And then she asked, “What shows would you like to see come back?” And I said, “Quantum Leap.”
“Any other?”
“....no, I can’t think of any.”
And she kept asking questions about tv shows, and I was completely blank. And it was 20 minutes of her asking about tv and I just kept answering “Quantum Leap.” And I freaked out that I sounded insane so I started crying while still answering “Quantum Leap” for every question.
Katie: I cannot breathe. I have to find my inhaler.
Kelly: Would Joey and Jesse have a podcast now?
Katie: Joey and Jesse would have a podcast - out of their basement because they all definitely would still be living together in that house. But idk why I'm making up a full house future when “Fuller House” exists.
Kelly: lol, well I haven't watched it. Is the house any fuller than it was before?
Katie: I already said I haven’t watched it! I think Kimmy lives with DJ and Stephanie and they all have 3 kids? Like, each?
Kelly: Possibly a more full house.
Ok, let's get to this child making out you want to see so much.
This looks to be the worst party.
Katie: There are kids everywhere just knee deep in each other's mouths.
Kelly: I have never been to a party where people just… pair off and make out in front of each other?
Katie: I can't even find the jalapeno dip.
Kelly: I don't think she even brought it, which is a little rude. How wude!
The two on the floor on pillows is disgusting
Katie: None of this isn't disgusting. I can't believe this is the episode you begged me to watch.
Kelly: It’s the people on the floor that really elevates this to drug den gross.
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| Full Normal |
Katie: This is the same floorplan of Cousin Larry and Balky's apartment.
Stephanie wants OUT of the party so she calls DJ's phone line - but Danny answers.
Kelly: Danny lost his voice I guess? So Steph think's it's DJ? DJ sounds like a hoarse Danny.
And I’m sorry, I'm going to say it, this was Danny Tanner's hot era.
Katie: I'm exiting this conversation.
Kelly: Meanwhile, Jesse is so upset that Barry Williams is a bigger success with the Rippers than he was. So he has a nightmare where he marries Kimmy. Like Kimmy is a punishment. Why does everyone hate Kimmy?
Katie: And Kelly, they didn't recast Kimmy with an adult Kimmy (a child Kimmy opposite). Kimmy is playing adult Kimmy married to adult Jesse but she's still a teen actress in a scene with an adult man.
Kelly: I'm telling you, the way this show tried to push a "sexual tension" between these two is upsetting.
Remember there was whole episode of them in a closet?
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| Full Acceptability in the 90s |
Katie: lol no you wouldn't let me watch it because you begged me to watch this episode with all the childrens kissing.
Kelly: Kathleen.
Katie: I mean, scroll up if you have to.
Kelly: Oh, I will. What if you showed up to a party and it was people kissing each other for an hour in the dark?
Katie: I would leave the party.
So, Danny shows up to the party and is SO MAD at Stephanie but she did the right thing!! By wanting to leave!
Kelly: Seriously, did we not learn our lesson with the DJ drinking thing? Steph didn't know it was a kissing party and she didn't want to be doing the kissing. Why are we punishing children from extricating themselves from bad situations?
Katie: Then Gia's mom comes home - is rightfully upset at Gia for this jalapeno popper party - and Danny LAYS INTO HER.
Kelly: Until she fixes his laryngitis with some unnamed medicine and then he realizes how hot she is.
Katie: Then she kinda hits on him.
Kelly: I would hit on him too. Screenshot hot Danny.
Katie: I'm not screenshotting hot Danny because it doesn't exist
Kelly: Computer, screenshot hot Danny.
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| Full Hot Danny (not endorsed by Katie) |
Katie: Delete.
The Wrap-Up
What was your take-away?
Kelly: My takeaway is that Stephanie was an underrated character.
Katie: My takeaway is that I think this is a good show and I'd like my future children to watch it because if I learned anything from Full House, I certainly won't be actively watching my children and just leaving them alone in another room to busy themselves. So I hope they make good choices.
Which character would you be?
Kelly: I hate to admit it, but I would be DJ. I wish I were Stephanie.
Katie: I would have hated to admit it in the 90s that I was Stephanie, the annoying younger sister - but now I'm a proud Stephanie.
Kelly: You are so Stephanie. I’m jealous of your Stephness.
Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Kelly: Late 90s Danny Tanner. #SorryNotSorry.
Katie: We didn't even watch an episode with DJ's boyfriend Steve - he would've been the pull-out poster. or Uncle Jesse. With his glasses. OH WAIT GIA IS THE PULL-OUT POSTER.
Kelly: Gia is everyone’s pull out poster.
Bimbi count: 0
Kelly: The Bimbi count is low I think. Before we watched, I would have said Kimmy, but now I’m not so sure.
Katie: Yeah the 90s want us to say Kimmy is a Bimbi, but we have final say and she isn't.
Wetwad count: All men.
Kelly: Wetwad count is everyone that told a 13-year-old girl what she needed to do to improve her body instead of helping her realize what was healthy at her age.
Katie: I kind of feel like every guy was a wetwad. Danny was. Everyone who told DJ to lose weight. And all the douchebags at the “cultural party.”
Would you watch Full House for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: It was funnier than I thought it would be so I wouldn’t go turn it on, but if it were on, I wouldn’t turn it off.
Katie: I’d let it be on in the background. While I’m not watching my kids when they’re in the kitchen with knives.
The Party Rating: 4/5
Katie: Oh I'd say 4, for sure.
