Kelly: I told you when we were getting started that I was not looking forward to this one.
Katie: Yeah. Whose terrible idea was this to watch "Dinosaurs”?
Kelly: Well, it was on Netflix, so I blame Netflix.
Katie: Do you remember watching "Dinosaurs" growing up? It aired for 4 seasons!!
Kelly: Yeah, I remember mom thought the "not the momma" baby was HIIIILARIOUS. She said it all the time, do you remember that?
Katie: I do! The voice actor for the baby was Kevin Clash - the one and only Elmo!
Kelly: Somewhere between gigs, Kevin must have learned where the line between cute and murder-worthy is.
Katie: It's a hard line to walk.
Kelly: I do it pretty well, so. I have here in my notes that Elmo was not the only famous voice and that you were trying to hint me towards the Mom's voice.
Katie: It's LUCILLE BLUTH! She was the mom dinosaur! Boy did Lucille trade up. From Dinosaurs to Klimpy’s. I also told you I had a surprise for you. You didn't know what secret things I was doing growing up that involved "Dinosaurs.”
Kelly: No, I really did not.
Katie: Well, Dinosaurs released a TV “Soundtrack.”
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| Sweet tunes |
Kelly: Who knew?
Katie: I don't think I know, or will ever know, if the songs on the soundtrack were actually from episodes, or if this was a side marketing deal where it just had the actors singing songs, if it was even the actual actors, but I somehow ended up in possession of this cassette tape soundtrack, and I LOVED it.
Kelly: I really do not recall a Dinosaurs musical episode.
Katie: So when we sat down to watch "Dinosaurs" I played you my 2 favorite songs. And I believe your response was, "These aren't that bad.”
Kelly: I was expecting something on par with my memories of the show itself.
Katie: And they weren't! One was about girl power and one was very much the Lion King's "I Can't Wait to be King" but the son was singing about King of Rock and Roll.
For your convenience….
Robbie’s I Wanna Be King!
Charlene’s In a Perfect World!
Kelly: Apparently, Dinosaurs are better cassette tapes than they are sitcoms.
Katie: I listened to these songs over and over and had dance routines. That's what I did alone in my room as a child - secret dinosaur things.
Kelly: Well, I have to say, I'm not going to fault you for that one.
Katie: So, we started on a high point of surprise and intrigue and music - and ended with... well... wanting to murder not just the baby.
Kelly: I thought it would be bad, but it was bad.
Katie: I remember it being bad for acting and script - but I was kind of horrified by plot lines, sexism, racism, and other terrible things.
Kelly: Maybe I was young and innocent, but I don't recall the 90s being soooo sexist. Like, a little, sure, but if Dinosaurs was a reflection of society (which surely it was), my heart aches.
Katie: It was truly bad and disturbing.
Kelly: I needed a 1-800 helpline after watching.
Katie: There was slut shaming, women had no rights, women were objects and house-slaves, and it all came with a dash of body shaming.
Kelly: It was like sexism bingo and we hit every square.
Katie: They did have sassy grandma. She made us laugh out loud when someone said "But I like dad" and grandma replied "You're just used to him."
Kelly: I also laughed at an "escape claws" line. But right under that I have "casual sexism," so the mirth did not last long.
Katie: It did not.
Kelly: The first episode we watched was called “High Noon.” Here's the plot: A larger dinosaur saw the mom dinosaur and decided he wanted her. So he went to their house to kill the dad and take the mom. The end.
Katie: He wanted her to do his laundry. He mailed her his dirty socks.
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Women dinosaurs being women dinosaurs doing women dinosaur laundry
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And Mr. Dad Dinosaur was like, "Oh man, this is how the world works, you have to go with the bigger guy, sorry hun, bye," and the show was resolved when the mom dinosaur sort of stood up for herself and said she gets to choose. Then the only reason she got off the hook was the big mean dinosaur was like, "Oh wow, you're annoying and have self-confidence. I don't want that, it's gross. You can keep your naggy bitch."
Kelly: It was a great moral, we all learned a lot.
Katie: When we were picking our second episode, this was our conversation:
Me: This one they go on a game show.
You: It could not be the worst.
Me: How is this not the worst?
You: They are all going to be the worst.
Kelly: I have no comment.
Katie: I got caught up in the fact that the family was all different types of dinosaurs. It would be like a chimpanzee mating with an orangutan and raising a bonobo and a tarsier. Science!
A family of dinosaurs should be the same dinosaur.
Kelly: Das racist.
Katie: Their news station was DNN (dinosaur news network?) and the anchor was Mr. Handupme… because he has a hand up him… BECAUSE HE'S A PUPPET.
Kelly: That’s that kind of brilliance you can come to expect from Dinosaurs. You can also expect the same damn supporting cast dinosaur in every episode.
Katie: Apparently they were on a budget and could only make so many terrible dinosaurs.
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Same goddamn dinosaur, three goddamn different episodes
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The next episode, "Hungry for love," originally aired November 13, 1992. A sexist, and semi-racist show, just in time for Thanksgiving.
Kelly: Time to give thanks that we weren't a young female dinosaur in the 90s.
Katie: Robbie (the teenage son) had a crush on a girl, Wendy, but a rumor was going around she was an “eater.” So then they slut-shamed her, but then it turned out she was being accused of ACTUALLY eating her ex-boyfriends.
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Ooohhh, watch out boys, she’ll chew you up. She’s a maaaaaneater (who actually eats men)
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Kelly: But despite the high likelihood of death, if you were to believe the rumors, the pathetic cowardly dad still really pushed Robbie to date her.
Katie: So that he could get in better with his boss, Sherman Hemsley! Because Wendy was the daughter’s boss. BUT!! We got to see what Christopher Meloni would look like if he was a dinosaur!
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Hot and Hotter
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Kelly: That made your day.
Katie: I love him so much. Maybe more than Rider Strong. Yes, definitely more than Rider Strong.
Kelly: He definitely wins in the hair category even though he doesn't have much in the way of hair. It's all in how you work it.
Katie: So the twist in this episode was, the boss was the one actually eating all of Wendy’s boyfriends. And when his secret came out, they all just kind of laughed about it and were glad he didn't eat Robbie.
Kelly: #patriarchy.. Murder is hilarious.
Katie: Guess there weren't a lot of rules in Dinosaur world. Or wit. Or laughter. Or quality television programming. I think this show could have been more successful if it wasn’t about dinosaurs, but was just real people hanging out.
Kelly: I don’t see how you get around the sexism, no matter what species your cast is.
Katie: Maybe they only got away with the sexism BECAUSE they were dinosaurs.
Kelly: Deep. What does that say about our interspecies relations in this country?
Katie: I have nothing.
Kelly: Do any of us have anything? Who knew Dinosaurs would bring about the real tough questions?
Katie: The next episode we watched was “Charlene’s Flat World” which aired on December 4, 1992.
Kelly: That might have been the best episode we saw. No, it definitely was. But that doesn’t mean it was good.
Katie: The plot promised us heresy. Since it's dinosaur time, they don't know the world is round yet. So she proposes it is round! And then she's arrested for heresy.
Kelly: The daughter, whassername.
Katie: Charlene! It’s her flat sad sexist world!
Kelly: Oh, yes. Shows how invested I am in this show.
Katie: My biggest problem was they said it was 6 million bc. Funny story - more like 66 million, amirite guys? Did they have NO dinosaurs on staff fact checking this?
Kelly: Just ol' Upherbutt or whatever.
Katie: Who?!?
Kelly: The tv anchor on the dinosaur news. I assume she fact checks, she's a reporter.
Katie: It was a male named Handupme.
Kelly: Well, again I say, shows how much I was drawn into this show.
Katie: I would have enjoyed Upherbutt more than Handupme.
Kelly: That’s what he said.
Katie: Ew.
Kelly: I don't make the rules. The episode was very red-scare Joe McCarthy Unamerican Activities Committee stuff. She was basically blacklisted for her apostasy.
Katie: It was straight up stolen from Galileo saying we revolved around the sun - boom - arrested.
Kelly: OR GALILEO STOLE IT FROM THE DINOSAURS. Checkmate, atheists.
Katie: One thing's for sure, my world will never revolve around "Dinosaurs." Not only was this show bad, it was boring. I think that's why their tv soundtrack was so good. No acting, no plot - just songs about how hard it is to shop when you're a dinosaur! Problems we can all relate to.
Kelly: Truth
The Wrap-Up
What is your take away from this show?
Kelly: The 90s were a very bad time to be a woman. And a dinosaur. And especially a woman dinosaur.
Katie: Christopher Meloni is still hot, even when a dinosaur.
Which character would you be?
Katie: I would be Grandma. Because she's the only one that made me laugh, or even smile. Then I could be as judgey and terrible as I truly want to be, but everyone will let it happen because I'm so old. She’s practically a fossil! GET IT?
Kelly: This is the hardest it’s ever been for me to answer this question. I would like to be the same background dinosaur they used in every episode because I wouldn't have to live with that awful family and because I would get to do all different kinds of jobs.
Who would be your Tiger Beat Pull-Out Poster?
Kelly: I have an inkling what you’re going to--
Katie: CHRISTOPHER MELONI! But I would prefer human form. Or Rider Strong form.
Kelly: Christopher Meloni in a Rider Strong costume.
Katie: Now THAT is a show I can get behind. And in front of. And on top of.
Kelly: I'm going with Robbie. Cute for a dinosaur. I feel like that scene in Wayne's World when Garth asks if Wayne ever thought Bugs Bunny was cute when he was dressed like a girl.
Was Robbie cute when dressed like a dinosaur?
Yes, Garth.
Would you watch Dinosaurs again for simple enjoyment?
Kelly: I would never watch Dinosaurs again. You can't make me.
Katie: I once posed that maybe the question should be "How many mugs of wine deep must you be to watch this for enjoyment?"
Kelly: I would be dead of alcohol poisoning
Katie: 7. 7 bottles, though. So then I'm in a coma.
Kelly: Sounds like a suicide pact to me.
Bimbi count: 3: The daughter Whassername, the date, and Robbie.
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Whassername, Whassername, Robbie
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Katie: Murder-worthy count? 89.
Kelly: I can see now why god dropped an asteroid on them.
Party rating: 0
Katie: Zero times zero.
Kelly: I award it no party and may God have mercy on its soul.
